He walked in with the grace of a drunken lumberjack and the beard to match. You’d think this was an insult, but it’s not. I was immediately in love. Why my best friend had not introduced me to this magnificent male specimen sooner was beyond me. But with me moving to WA soon, as in a week from this point.. There was no time to waste. It was clear within moments that he was my dream. I had no idea he’d end up being the man behind my infinite 40 drinking and the forever winner of the “Best Beard Award”. At least, in my book.
We spent the night chatting about random shit: comics, life, jobs, etc. Everything about him intoxicated me. As he described his job at the city park as, "being paid to wet dirt". I made the mental note that my new goal was to “make him mine”. (I’ve always been obsessed with the overachievers) The night passed and the sun began to rise, making it clear that there was no fucking going down this evening. But that didn’t make me any less determined.
We spent every night up until my move together. Much to the dissatisfaction of my friends whom had previously scheduled time prior to his existence. It didn’t matter what we were doing because it all felt like magic. He was funny and accepting of most everything. Not even reacting when I jokingly put a piece of his beard hair in my pocket. (For cloning purposes, obviously *initiate eyeroll*) But despite all the occupied time and nights alone, there was still no “action”.
We ended up talking for a couple months. Though in all fairness, I had since moved to WA. Meaning most of our interactions now consisted of late night Skype sessions and obscure texts. That being said, I was going to be visiting for my 21st birthday and I’d be damned if I wasn't going to finally obtain that peen. All the late nights spent listening to Alkaline Trio and being sung Disney songs over shots of rum and whiskey. I was ready to touch his beard, and his dick.
I got to his house late! Excitement flowing through me as I strolled up to his door, two old English 40's in an AM/PM bag at my side. The first ones I had been able to legally purchase, let me just mention. Immediately, we head to his room and ditch the 40's. Taking off my clothes as he takes off his pants, the only thing remaining being his shirt (I've slept with him many times and to this day have yet to see him shirtless). Sliding on a condom, he pushes inside me. The moment I had been waiting 3 months for.
His dog laid on the floor with the bone residue covered blankets underneath us. Covering my mouth, he informed me of his roommates disinterest in hearing us fuck. Or maybe better said, his roommates overall hatred towards me as a whole. As he closed his window, cock still in me, I cover my mouth and work on maintaining my composure. About 15 minutes later he pulls out and in a monotone voice mutters, "Oh shit."
"Uhm, what??" I prompt anxiously. Nervous I had started my period mid sex or something equally embarrassing. "The condom came off," he replies. Waits a moment and then follows up with, "I hope you believe in abortion." Then proceeds to put his fingers in me in an attempt to fish out the now lost condom. Such a gentleman. Once all emergency contraceptives had been located. He grabbed the Xbox controller and flipping to an old Star Trek movie (this one starring Tom Hardy during his heroine era) for us to fall asleep to.
As I laid falling asleep that night I remember thinking, "This must be adulthood."